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Tomorrow it will be one month since I lost my husband. Although I am surviving, life is far from easy. I went back to work the Monday after Gregg's funeral. As long as I stay on my side of the building, I do ok. I went to Gregg's desk last week to take what I wanted. I was lucky because Lisa and Mary had already gone through it and taken most of his personal things out for me. It still hit me hard anyway. Poor Matt S. was caught in the crossfire and did his best to console me. I feel so bad for Brian T. who has to sit next to Gregg's empty cube every day. It must be a little slap in the face every morning when he comes in.
This week I was alone for the first time since he died. The first two nights were ok. Actually it felt kind of good to start doing things like laundry and dishes and what not. Cooking sucks. I love cooking, but not for myself.
I find myself missing some of the silliest things. Like following him home from somewhere. The thought of never seeing him in his little yellow GTi in front of me is enough to send me into tears. I miss talking to him while he's in the shower in the morning. I miss falling asleep on the sofa while he's working away in his office on the computer. Mostly I just miss his touch, his smile (he had the most beautiful lips and he would kill me for typing that here), his badly told stories and his laugh.
On September 6th will be our 4-year wedding anniversary. I'm dreading it somewhat, but maybe it won't be so bad. My friend Kimmy called me earlier this week and told me she wanted to come up and be with me that day. Again, I am so rich in the friends area. Jeri suggested a group dinner at a nice restaurant like Gregg and I would have done.
I try to take every day at a time, heck many days I have to take every minute at a time. I have some things on calendar to look forward too, which helps a lot. My time was always so full for the last 2 years, and even when it wasn't full with doctor appointments and driving, it was full of worry. Now that I don't have things to keep me occupied, sometimes the openness of the future overwhelms me.
Lisa will move in with me next week. Hopefully the carpet will be installed by then. Thank God for Lisa. =)
The last week of September I'm going to see my sister in Virginia and hopefully my little brother Jer will come too.
In March next year I think I'm going to St. Maarten with a bunch of friends and maybe even my sister Renee and her hubby Bill.
Life is moving on, but it's not moving easily yet.
T
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