The Lounging Pig

Starting Over or Where Have You Been All My Life?

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 15:07:00 GMT

A lot has happened over the last year…..yep it’s been that long since I’ve written. I’m really sorry for that. It’s a lame excuse I know, but I really have been busy.

I started renovating the house in April of last year and have gotten so much done. It really looks great and has made living there seem less overwhelming.

I started with a new sewer pipe from the house to the city line. Pretty exciting huh? But what it means is that the sewer will never back up into the basement because of tree roots again….which it did several times while I lived there. Yuck!

Next my mom and sister scraped and painted one of the rooms upstairs for my friend Lisa to move into. Then I had carpet laid. That was the best looking room in the house for quite a while. =)

Next the guys came in added a shower on the second floor so Lisa could have her own area. Then they demo’d the downstairs bathroom and what used to be called the nursery. Gregg and I had used that as a huge closet really.

Now I have a huge walk in closet where the old pink bathroom used to be and a really large master bath where the nursery was.

I had all new electrical/phone and for the first time ever CAT5 run in the house. Even the garage got power and garage door openers! The house officially moved into a new millennium.

I got all new appliances in the kitchen – including a gas stove (which was quite a feat) and added a powder room where my washer/dryer used to be and moved those out to the mud room.

The kitchen was recently painted as well as the dining room and all the new bathrooms.

Next I replaced all the 100 plus year old original windows in the brick part of the house with new “wood” windows that still have real looking divided lights and screen and all goodies. They look wonderful with the house.

Then I had the house painted and added some decorative eave brackets.

It looks so great now.

I still have quite a few things I want to do…..new kitchen floor. New front door and all new deadbolt locks. The yard could use some help…..one place I don’t have much talent in the way of….

A lot of other things have happened over the year too.

I got a new boss at work last June. He’s young and full of ideas and enthusiasm. We get along really well.

Lisa and Adam both left EAA for greener pastures….and found them. =) Lisa is at Plexus and Adam at Neenah Papers.

Adam and I started dating in late August. Many of you were probably, not surprised by that…..maybe some of you were…..I think I was. =)

Lisa and I took an awesome trip to the Riviera Maya in Mexico in October. Had a great time….although we did meet Montezuma’s and his revenge. =)

The Ford Family spent Christmas at my sister’s home in Virginia Beach. What a beautiful place it is. Renee and Bill have bought property in the Charlottesville area (Virginia Wine Country) in the Blue Ridge Mountains and are currently building vacation home on it. Someday they would like there to be a bed and breakfast and a vineyard on the property as well.

The beginning of the year brought all kinds of excitement. I applied for another job here at EAA as the head of the IAC (International Aerobatics Club) a division of EAA. After what seemed like months of negotiation I was offered and accepted. In fact, this week is my first week with the IAC.

I’m learning a whole new facet of aviation and am really excited about it. I’ve been with EAA for about seven and a half years. The last 4 plus with NAFI. It’s a big change, but one I think will be good for me. http://www.eaa.org/news/2009/2009-02-18_iac.asp It’s kinda crazy because there are press release’s on a lot of aviation organizations website’s about little ol’ me.

At the end of January, Adam, Lisa and I took a trip with a local outdoors club to the Munising, MI Ice Festival. We had a super time climbing, and snowshoeing for three days.

Lisa returned and came down with pleurisy and Adam developed mono a few weeks later…. Somehow yours truly (knock wood) had managed to avoid all this. A very good thing because at the moment I am doing my old job and my new job, so time is not something I have the luxury of.

I’ve also been studying to take my written exam for my Private Pilot License. Janet and I have been getting together once or twice a week so she can help me decipher the FAA’s language. She’s doing a fantastic job of too, I must say.

So, I guess the moral of this post is, Life Is Good…..and extremely busy. =)

P.S – If any of you are on Facebook, look me up! Lot's more pix there.

Big Sky and Brownies

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 16:32:00 GMT

Sorry it's been so long since I've written. Life is so busy already with WAI, SnF and AirVenture in the future. Thought I'd write about last month. =)

Lisa, Adam and I took a winter vacation last month. We drove the 20 hours each way to Montana. Mom and Dad had only arrived a few days earlier, but the hot tub was hot and the wine rack full.

We did so much while we were out there and it was a lot of fun. It was my first time out there in winter and I really enjoyed it. Here is Adam’s photo gallery.

We left on a Tuesday morning and arrived Wednesday right at dusk. The last hour and a half of the drive is through a gorge that goes through Yellowstone Park and can be not only really snowy but full of large animals such as buffalo and elk. So driving it at night can be hazardous to your health.

Thursday morning we slept in and then went into the town of West Yellowstone to get some snowshoes and poles rented. Then we spent the rest of the afternoon snowshoeing on a trail a couple miles from Mom and Dad’s house.

The next day was February 8^th, Gregg’s 33^rd birthday. We woke up and it was snowing like crazy….which the weather radio was calling flurries. Apparently flurries in Montana equal 8 inches and white out conditions. So we spent the day inside playing cards, drinking beer and talking about Gregg. In the evening we had a fantastic dinner of trout Dad caught in Hebgen Lake (right out back of the house next to the mountains) and I made a batch of brownies….one of Gregg’s favorite desserts and we toasted and said Happy Birthday to him. It was very nice. I was glad to have been able to celebrate that surrounded by my friends and family.

I also know that back home in Oshvegas there was a Spotted Cow sitting at one of the seats at the bar we always hang out at, West End, just for Gregg. My friends are just the best. Thank you.

The next day we went Moonlight Basin in Big Sky early in the morning and got Lisa set up for an all day ski lesson and then Adam and I hit the slopes too. It was great skiing. Lots of powder and long runs. We met up with Lisa and saw she was doing fantastic with her ski pro. She was also really enjoying herself which made me really happy because I was scared she might not like it and the day wasn’t exactly cheap.

Sunday we did an all day tour of the park on snowmobiles. We saw the Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone, Norris Geyser Basin and TONS of animals. Check out our videos of the herd of bison we rode through. They were close enough to reach out and touch…..Yikes! The videos are over on the right side.

The next day we relaxed a bit during the day and then in the evening we drove to Big Sky for a horse drawn sleigh ride up the mountain to a cabin where we had a superb meal cooked on a wood burning stove (from Beaver Dam, WI) and listened to cowboy music from a real cowboy. =) It was an awesome time.

Here are a few pics from that.

You can't tell, but the sleigh and horses are behind us.

It was so beautiful that night. Not too cold and big fluffy snow was falling. Here is Adam, Mom and Lisa as we are heading in the cabin for dinner.

Here are our hansome horseys. I think their names were something like Ike and Earl. Belgian Geldings, so beautiful! =)

Tuesday was our last day in Montana to do something so we hit the slopes again over at Big Sky this time. Skiing in Montana is just so different from the Midwest. The runs are MILES long and in a good day you might ski 6 or 8 runs, because they are so long. The powder that day was phenomenal. Your knees would be burning and shaking and I would have to take multiple rests on the way down. I’ve never sweat so much skiing before. It was amazing.

I’m so glad we went out there. It was a much needed vacation. I got to hang out with my parents and good friends and just have a really good time.

Life is different, but it is still good. I miss Gregg a lot, but I am thankful for what I do have and able to look forward with out being scared.

Morgen's First Christmas

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 18:00:00 GMT

Christmas was ok. Different, but not bad. I spent a lot of time just hanging out with my family, especially my sister, brother in law and brother. We don’t get to do that too much so it was nice.

Purchasing gifts was fun this year, but somehow not like it usually is. I always relish the idea of finding something really good for my loved ones. I still got to do that, but it just wasn’t as exciting as it usually is. I guess it was because I didn’t get to pick something out for Gregg that I knew he would really love.

Of course receiving presents is always fun too, but the one you get from your husband is always the most anticipated…and I didn’t get to have that this year.

I thought about him a lot. We talked about him a lot. My parents still put up his Christmas stocking because they just couldn’t bear it not being there.

After Christmas I drove back to Wisconsin to celebrate with Gregg’s family too. I got to have Gary and Bev, Dan and Michele and little Morgen over for dinner and presents.

I’m so glad we got to do that. It helped to make it feel a little more normal. Plus just being around the happiness and wonder of a small child lifts everybody’s spirits.

I hope that in time, I as well as Gregg’s family will be able to see it as Morgen’s First Christmas, rather than the first one without Gregg.

Asking For Forgiveness

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 11:07:00 GMT

The book I’ve been reading was written by a woman who grew up in Wisconsin. She lost her husband in a car accident when she was 27. It is Widowed Too Soon by Laura Hirsch.

In the book she speaks about her journey through grief and the things that helped her to heal. There are 5 stages of grief: Shock and Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

I keep trying to figure out where I am in the stages and in some ways I think they started before Gregg was even gone.

For a while now I thought I hadn’t ever really felt much anger. I’ve even talked to friends about that. I’m not really an angry person. That’s not to say I don’t get mad, but I guess I don’t dwell unless I think there is something I can do to change or fix the problem. Then, admittedly, I can be somewhat obsessive.

There’s a young widows and widowers online forum I joined a while ago. On it, I am astonished at how angry some of the grieving are. Many of them are angry with God, their loved ones who passed, or themselves.

I can’t be angry with God because I feel He only gives us what we can handle. He needed Gregg to come back to him sooner than we wanted and He obviously had a reason for that. I hope when I go I will get to learn that reason.

Sometimes I think that maybe because I got a “pass” with my mother as a child (my mom had cancer when us kids were very young) that I couldn’t receive another one, and I’m ok with that. Growing up without my mom would have changed my life in a way that I just don’t think would have been positive. Maybe I never would have gone to ISU and met Gregg had she not survived her cancer.

To be angry at Gregg is just not something in my repertoire. Though he could and should have had the mole on his leg looked at, as I urged him to do on several occasions, there just isn’t a reason to dwell on that.

Blaming oneself is one feeling that I could probably identify with the best. There were times when he was alive that I would get so pissed at myself for not standing up and screaming at the doctors about things I wanted done and they denied us.

There are times when I wonder if I could do anything to help others in this situation now. I wonder if I could somehow change how the medical world thinks about this cancer. Could I get them to see that if they would have sent Gregg to a dermatologist years ago, this may never have happened? Preventative measures for people with a history, or in Gregg’s case just a lot of moles, would do so much.

Why couldn’t they scan Gregg from top to bottom every time he had scans? On that day we went to the emergency room, we had no idea that his brain was never scanned since the PET scan a year before. That made no sense to me since they very first doctor we saw told us that Melanoma likes to go to the brain. When questioned about why they never looked at his brain, we were told by multiple doctors that they don’t scan the brain unless there are symptoms. Who made that rule? Who can change it?

Now that he’s gone, I don’t blame myself. What good would that do?

Until this weekend, I really thought that I hadn’t been angry at all. Then I went to the funeral of Gregg’s Uncle Melvin this weekend.

Melvin had been in and out of the hospital several times over the last 2 or so years. He had a leg amputated before I ever met him. Somehow he always managed to come back, even after the doctors told his family to prepare themselves. One of his daughters called him a cat and that he had finally used up all his lives.

All three of his daughters and Audrey, his wife, told me how much he loved Gregg. He was always so excited to hear about Gregg’s flights in his airplane. They told me that he would always question, “Why did Gregg have to go; Why did it have to be him; Why?”

It was at this moment that I realized I had been angry, because I had thought similar questions, only they were about Melvin.

Why did Melvin keep getting to come home? Why did he get to live 73 years? Why did he and Audrey get to be together for 51 years and have children and grandchildren? Why not Gregg and I?

I guess there is no answer to these questions, at least in this life. Maybe Melvin knows now.

It always hurts when our loved ones leave us, whether they were 32 or 73.

I hope that Melvin’s family can forgive me for having these thoughts. I hope that God can as well.

I felt ashamed of myself in that moment and apologized to Melvin and to God.

I hope to forgive myself too.

Here's a pic of Audrey and Melvin.

Hard Labor + Good People = Shrimp Boil

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 19:00:00 GMT

The second weekend of November there was another one of those work parties at my house. This time around I had quite the list of things that I needed help with.

Steve arrived at the crack o' dawn Saturday morning and used a skid loader I rented to dig up the area where the new cobblestone patio would be off the back door.

Lisa, Kimmy, Chad and I had stayed out WAY too late and drank far too many cocktails to be functioning at that hour...but we got up and pretended we were ok. =)

The rest of the gang arrived within a couple hours after that and the results are nothing short of miraculous.

I now have a 16 by 16 foot cobblestone patio off the back door. I have a gorgeous fire ring where there was a huge old tree stump before. The wash machine tub that was in the backyard was dug out and the south side of the house has dirt grade leading away to help keep water from my foundation.

It looks so awesome. I absolutely can't wait till next year to put the grill out and use the patio. It will be wonderful!

In the evening Jeri and Joe hosted a "Celebration of Gregg's Life" party at their house. Somehow I convinced a doctor from Wisconsin Rapids to drive all the way to Oshvegas and do a shrimp boil for my friends and family.

It was fantastic! We ate spicy shrimp, watched videos and pictures of Gregg and made toasts to Gregg all night. We laughed and celebrated heartily after our hard days labor.

Not only was the party a celebration of Gregg but also a big Thank You to my wonderful family and friends who have supported and helped me this far.

I wish I could do more to let them all know how much it means to me.

Here are some pix of the day. I'll add more as I get them.

Notice the large pile o' bricks back there. One of two piles. Jim and Steve working hard!

Kimmy and Jen rakin'.

Jeri's on FIAH!

Chaddy cleans my gutters.

Tam and I conferring.

Ummmm.....

Shelf Building 101 with Crystal, Adam and Pat.

Manly tools.

Mmmm, belly full o lasagna.

Waitin' for the shrimps.

Spicy shrimps are good!

Drinky drinky.

Diggin' in.

The Gang

Pooped out doggies and a Grayson

Joe and Lisa singin'

Heeeyyyoohhh!

Milestones and Headstones

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 12:16:00 GMT

Yesterday the mother of a friend of mine was killed in a car/pedestrian accident in my hometown. It was a very public affair as her identity was unknown for several hours because she was not carrying any ID and the local news was on the scene for several hours before my friend and her family even knew.

How devastating for them to possibly have been watching the TV and not knowing it was their loved one. How devastating that there were no good bye's. Keep them in your prayers. I am sending virtual hugs to my friend from here. Sometimes there are no words; the hug of someone who cares speaks so much louder.

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of when we found that Gregg's cancer was back and that it had gotten desperately worse by manifesting in his brain. I now look at that day as the beginning of the end...and I think back to it and somehow I think I knew. When the doctor said those words I really lost it for the first time.

I never told Gregg this, but late last year, after his operation I had a sort of feeling/visoin of the future. I was standing at the copy machine and all of sudden I looked over at my hand and saw another man's ring on my finger. I remember being completely overwhelmed with fear and sadness and went and hid at my desk and cried for a while.

I don't know if God was trying to prepare me for the future possibly. It's not that I gave up, because I most certainly didn't, but I think the worst case scenario was just hidden there in the depths of my psyche.

Since that moment, there were several ocassions where I sort of looked at us from the outside and saw that I needed to remember every detail because that would be the last time. My birthday was one of those. He took me to Lion Kind at the PAC and we just had fantastic time. Our time in Europe I remember thinking I needed to spend more time cuddling with him in bed at night because I just knew I wasn't going to get to do that much longer. I watched him sleep (when he could) and listened to him snoring. These memories, everything about them, from the colors and smells and sounds, will always be permanantly ingrained in my memory.

Yesterday I went to the gravesite for the first time since the headstone was erected.

Somehow it is beautiful, even though it represents all our lost possibilities. It still represents my love for him and the love of his family and friends. It somehow shows his personality and love of life. It shows his wonderful smile and even shows his love of flying and the airplane that made him so happy.

I'm attaching some pictures of the stone. If you look close, not only can you clearly read the N number on the Cub, but you can see both Adam and Gregg flying it, forever....

Firsts and Losts

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 10:05:00 GMT

Saturday was my first flight lesson. I have to admit I was really nervous. My stomach was all tied in knots and I even felt a bit light headed. I think in some small way I was even trying to get out of it. I'm glad I didn't.

I met Joe at the hangar and we spent about an hour doing a really thorough pre flight. This gave me some time to relax. I did tell him that I was really nervous about the whole hand propping aspect of Cub ownership. He told me that was perfectly normal and that he would be worried if I wasn't scared of that.

We took off and flew south of Oshkosh and out of their airspace. Joe went through turns using the rudder and not just the stick. We talked about ascending and descending and what RPM's the engine needs to be at for those. He had me do several turns and also talked about getting used to where straight and level is too.

Then we headed back in. The time had gone by really quickly and I realized I was pretty exhausted. Must have been a bit of a adrenaline overload.

Once on the ground he took me through controlling the airplane on the ground with the rudder pedals. That was an experience. I had to be careful not to turn too much one direction and had to push really hard going the other because of the direction the wind was blowing. I don't know how Joe could remain calm while I was all over the tarmac. At least once I got REALLY close to the grass! Yikes!

Anyway, I had a great time and am looking forward to my next lesson. Joe is calm, cool and collected and VERY patient. Thanks Joe! =)

On Monday I received the package from Northwest Airlines I had been waiting for since the previous Wednesday. The airline had called and said they had found a ring that matched my description. I was so excited. It's a miracle!, I thought. I was devastated when I opened the package and knew immediately that it was not his. From the side I could see the ring was way too large. It was very similar to Greggs and did match my description, but it just wasn't his.

On Wednesday I called NW to tell them it wasn't right and what should I do with this one? The woman got off the phone for a moment and when she got back on I could hear the emotion in her voice. She told me that the group there was just praying for me that it was the right ring. She said that she knew it wasn't the same, but it was at least something and that I should just keep the ring. Every time I had called I wasn't sure if I was talking to the same office or anything, but I realized I had been and that they were pulling for me too.

I am still continually amazed by the kindness of people, even strangers. Like the woman on the plane who told me she'd be praying for me after I'd realized I'd lost his ring. And the people who read Gregg's obituary and sent me cards even though they didn't know either of us, but were touched by his story. This world is full of good people.

I'm still praying the ring will come back to me.

Wine Mountain

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 17:36:00 GMT

Last week I went to Virginia to spend some time with my sister and her hubby. My little brother joined me for part of the time. We had an excellent time.

Went to the Charlottesville area where there are lots of little wineries snuggled in the Blue Ridge Mountains. We tasted our way around the countryside. It is beautiful there. So green and picturesque.

My favorite vineyard this time around was Kluge Estate where we tasted their wine called Cru. It is a chardonnay that is aged in an oak Jack Daniels barrel. It is fantastic, sweet with just a tiny taste of whisky. I don't even like whisky.

We visited Monticello, which is very pretty and interesting. The history of the area is just so fascinating. Our country is so young compared to others, but we do still have very rich history.

Next we did a whirlwind tour of Washington DC. The three of us were dead on our feet at the end of the two days but we saw at least a weeks worth of sites. Washington Monument, Lincoln and Jefferson Memorials, Vietnam, Korean and WWII memorials. The Capitol, Whitehouse, Library of Congress, Botanical Center, Air and Space Museum (my favorite) and last but not least, the Spy Museum (which is really fun).

The next day Jer and I went to Williamsburg which is a really fun and historic place.

We toured lighthouses and went to the Neptune Fest where we saw amazing sand sculptures from artists as far away as Italy and even from Montana (?).

I hope that soon I'll get some pics from my sister and brother to post on here. Silly me, I forgot the camera. That was always Gregg's thing.

On a sad note, I somehow managed to lose Gregg's wedding ring off my finger on Sunday, the day I returned. I've been calling the airports daily to see if anyone has turned it in. I'm mourning over the loss of that and am desperate to get it back. I don't know how it slipped off, as it didn't seem loose. Perhaps some kind soul will find it and turn it in. I'm praying for that. I'm not ready to be without it.

A Happy Memory

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 10:27:00 GMT

Adam Smith sent me this video from the Good Ol' Days Murder Mystery 2004. Gregg was the main character that year, and I personally think it was the best year ever. =) And yes, I am biased, but it was still the best. The group we had that year just worked together so wonderfully.

http://www.brightcove.com/title.jsp?title=1137926368&channel=980909508

Gregg played Speed Kinner that year, a cocky American race pilot. Doesn't he look adorable in his pilot getup. =)

Janet took the video during the dinner and you can hear her and me laughing during it.

Adam, if you didn't know, is the Brit in the tux.

This is a really happy memory for me. I never knew my husband was an actor. He did quite well. Here's another of my favorite pics from that night.

Happy 4th Anniversary to Me

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 17:10:00 GMT

Last Thursday was Gregg's and my fourth wedding anniversary. I knew it would be a difficult day so I took it off. My friend Kimmy came all the way from Dport that Wednesday night to be with me and support me. I can't begin to express how much that meant to me. She took the time a few weeks ago to call and ask me if I would like her to come, giving me the chance to think what I really wanted.

I knew I didn't want to be alone, so I was really happy to take her up on her suggestion.

The day was a good one. It was hard, but with the help of her and all my friends I got through it.

Actually the day really started the night before when Janet suggested we have a little grill out at the hangar. I actually hadn't been there or even seen the plane since the funeral, so it was a bit emotional. Janet and Adam had put all of Gregg's flags up that he had bought in Germany just for the hangar.

Adam took his friend Mark up for a flight and it felt really good to see that beautiful airplane up in the air.

Afterwards we partook of beverages and ate tasty grilled foods.

Kimmy and I got up Thursday morning and made a nice breakfast and talked a lot. We went to the store and picked up a nice lunch went to the cemetery with our lawn chairs. We sat and talked to Gregg and ate our lunch. It was really nice. Kimmy made me laugh when as we were leaving she thanked Gregg for having lunch with us and then giggled when she commented, "Not that he had much choice in the matter."

That evening we got dressed up and met my friends at The Vintage here in Oshvegas and had a fantastic meal and laughed a lot, talked a bit about Gregg and made a toast to him.

It makes me feel so happy and special that my friends are all so willing to help me celebrate his life. I know they miss him too, but I am continually amazed by how much they are all affected by his death. My biggest fear is Gregg being forgotten.

I still cry every day, multiple times. I talk to him all the time and tell him what is going on in my life and how I wish he was here with me to experience it all with me.

Sometimes I sit and look at his picture and still can't believe that I will never again look into his green eyes or feel his stubbly cheek at the end of a day. But I am surviving, thanks to all of my family who calls very frequently and my friends who hardly let me have a evening to myself. =)

Thanks to you all.
T

Eating Bugs is not the Only Survival Technique

Thu, 23 Aug 2007 14:35:00 GMT

Tomorrow it will be one month since I lost my husband. Although I am surviving, life is far from easy. I went back to work the Monday after Gregg's funeral. As long as I stay on my side of the building, I do ok. I went to Gregg's desk last week to take what I wanted. I was lucky because Lisa and Mary had already gone through it and taken most of his personal things out for me. It still hit me hard anyway. Poor Matt S. was caught in the crossfire and did his best to console me. I feel so bad for Brian T. who has to sit next to Gregg's empty cube every day. It must be a little slap in the face every morning when he comes in.

This week I was alone for the first time since he died. The first two nights were ok. Actually it felt kind of good to start doing things like laundry and dishes and what not. Cooking sucks. I love cooking, but not for myself.

I find myself missing some of the silliest things. Like following him home from somewhere. The thought of never seeing him in his little yellow GTi in front of me is enough to send me into tears. I miss talking to him while he's in the shower in the morning. I miss falling asleep on the sofa while he's working away in his office on the computer. Mostly I just miss his touch, his smile (he had the most beautiful lips and he would kill me for typing that here), his badly told stories and his laugh.

On September 6th will be our 4-year wedding anniversary. I'm dreading it somewhat, but maybe it won't be so bad. My friend Kimmy called me earlier this week and told me she wanted to come up and be with me that day. Again, I am so rich in the friends area. Jeri suggested a group dinner at a nice restaurant like Gregg and I would have done.

I try to take every day at a time, heck many days I have to take every minute at a time. I have some things on calendar to look forward too, which helps a lot. My time was always so full for the last 2 years, and even when it wasn't full with doctor appointments and driving, it was full of worry. Now that I don't have things to keep me occupied, sometimes the openness of the future overwhelms me.

Lisa will move in with me next week. Hopefully the carpet will be installed by then. Thank God for Lisa. =)

The last week of September I'm going to see my sister in Virginia and hopefully my little brother Jer will come too.

In March next year I think I'm going to St. Maarten with a bunch of friends and maybe even my sister Renee and her hubby Bill.

Life is moving on, but it's not moving easily yet.

T

The Good, The Bad and The World has Spun Out of Control

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 19:08:00 GMT

It's been quite a while since I've posted. Most of you know why.

Gregg and I had an absolutely fantastic trip to Europe. We spent a week in Germany. We stayed with my friend Niki and her wonderful family in Munich and went to lots of places from there. We visited Salzburg, Chiemsee, the BMW Museum, Regensburg, and so much more. Gregg even got to drive the Autobahn.

From there we went to Venice by train through the Alps. What a gorgeous ride that was. Mountains, castles, vineyards everywhere. Venice was wonderful. No motor vehicles except for the Vaporetto, which is a water bus basically that runs on the Grand Canal. We spent two wonderful days in Venice walking all over.

Then we went on to Rome by train. There we stayed in a hotel that has existed since the 17th century. It is on the same piazza as the Pantheon. Our window overlooked the Pantheon. We saw the Vatican and the Sistine Chapel, plus all the amazing artwork housed in the Vatican Museums. We went to the Coliseum and the forums and the market, saw Trajan's column and so many other things that we all studied in Art History in college. We threw coins into the Trevi Fountain and climbed the Spanish Steps. We ate pasta and Caprese almost every night...oh we visited the first McDonalds in Italy. BTW - there is a McDonalds directly across from the Pantheon if you can imagine.

We returned June 31st and worked July 2nd and 3rd. We had doc appointments on the 5th and 6th that week. Gregg had all his usual scans that Thursday and was scheduled for chemo on Friday. When we met with the doc on Friday morning I have to admit I had a bad feeling. Gregg had been having terrible back pains at the end of our trip in Europe. Thursday and Friday he started to get very weak in his legs. He would easily lose his balance and fell several times those days. He of course refused a wheel chair. We sat and waited in the doc office that Friday. When he came in he did the usual check up and then sat down. He asked if we wanted to see the CT scans. We did, so he pulled up the last two. The scans of his body were actually quite good. There was not much change and even some shrinking of some tumors. The brain scans were not so positive. The tumors had not only grown terribly but had multiplied exponentially. The doc said that he could not believe that Gregg was sitting there in front of him and specifically that he had walked in to his office at all. Because of the significant growth of the tumors in his brain, Gregg could not get chemo. The blood vessels that tumors grow are too weak and he could bleed out and die.

We were told to seek hospice and given two weeks to a month.

I knew that this time was different than the last. Gregg was obviously weak. He would talk with a thick tongue sometimes. His short-term memory would go in and out.

I somehow managed to drive him home that night. We called his parents, which was the worst thing you can possibly imagine. How do you tell your mother that you are going to die?

Giving up is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. After two years of fighting and researching and driving all over the Midwest, I just didn't know how to stop. But I had to. Gregg could no longer travel.

We were told that he would be paralyzed soon as there was a tumor pressing on his spine. He would stop being able to talk and to see at some point and that most likely he would just calmly stop breathing and then his heart would stop.

I dug out the walker we had from his brain surgery last fall so he could still walk and support himself. I was very afraid that he might fall and that I wouldn't be able to get him up. His parents arrived on Saturday and someone started staying with us at night so that if he fell there would be two people at least. I made one of Gregg's favorite meals that evening. We all ate heartily together, especially him, in the kitchen. That would be his last meal and the last day he walked.

On Sunday morning he told me that his bladder was hurting and that he couldn't empty it. I knew that the nerves down there were probably not working anymore either and that he needed a catheter. He wouldn't let the hospice nurses come till Monday though. His sister Michele arrived that Sunday from Seattle along with her husband Dan and their little guy Morgen.

On Monday I begged the nurses to come as soon as they could because he was in so much pain from the full bladder. They came and put in the cath and removed 2500 mLs of fluid. Poor guy was so relieved he was actually smiley and happy for a while after that. The hospital bed arrived on Monday as well. I was so sad that I couldn't have him next to me anymore, but was so relieved that he could possibly get comfy and move the head up and down. His pain was really starting to get out of control and I was having a terrible time trying to make him comfortable.

A lot of our friends and family were all coming over during this time. Gregg would always perk up and talk to them. Laughing and acting like nothing really much at all was wrong. Gregg's longest friend Chad came from NYC and our friend Mason came from Portland to see us both and to do what they could. Gregg and I couldn't have been luckier in the friend’s dept.

We found out that his airplane is on the May 2008 EAA calendar when Jim K brought the proof over. He was so proud of that.

A few days later we noticed that a huge tumor had grown into his neck. He had been complaining of neck pain and we'd been trying all sorts of things to help, but now we knew what it was. After that he was no longer able to move his neck or swallow without pain.

The next morning I woke up to find that he was sweating profusely and had a temp of 103. The docs had told us this might happen as the part of the brain that controls body temp was infiltrated. He was non-responsive, except to pain. Mason and my mother came up with some innovative ideas to try and control the fever and soon we were doing quite well, keeping him around 99 to 100.

After that the hospice nurses told us his heart rate had jumped a lot and that most likely his heart would give out before his body. Boy were they wrong. Gregg's young heart put up with the punishment till the end. After many days of unresponsiveness and me trying to get the meds into him to keep the seizures from coming his breathing changed. The nurses said that his body was toxic now and kidneys were shutting down because he was no longer drinking either. It's hard to explain the shift between praying for a miracle to praying for death to come swiftly. I hope none of you ever have to learn about that. When you can't comfort your loved one anymore and you don't even know if he is in pain or possibly trying to tell you something, it is excruciating.

Gregg's mom and I were both sleeping on the sofa pulled up right next to his bed for several nights. Sleep is a term I use loosely, when you wake up every few minutes because you are worried he will slip away without you knowing. Soon we decided taking shifts was a better option and that the person not on shift would actually sleep in the bed while the awake person(s) would sit out on the sofa.

On Tuesday the 24th, Gregg's mom and I decided to take the late shift. We were to be woken up at 1:00 AM while his Dad and brother in law Dan watched till then. At 11:50 Gary woke Bev and I up to say that Gregg's breathing had gotten even shallower than it was. We jumped up and ran out there.

He took one last shallow breath and then stopped. I wrapped my arm around his head, rested my head on his and put my other hand over his heart. It was so very hard to not beg him to keep breathing, live more, but I knew it wasn't fair. So instead I told him I loved him and that it was okay. To go to his Grandparents that I knew were there waiting for him. That I would be okay and so would his parents. We would love and miss him and never, ever forget him. We would make it without him, even though we didn't want to.

I felt his heart slow and stop. It was about 11:56 PM. We all just held him and cried and talked to him and told him over and over how much we loved him.

Eventually Dan called hospice and the nurse came and pronounced him at 12:35 AM on Wednesday morning. The allowed me to bathe him and rinse all the yucky meds out of his mouth that we had been forced to try and get into him. I dressed him because I knew he would not want to arrive in a hospital gown anywhere.

The funeral home was called and they came and took him away from us around 2:00 AM. That was the most horrible moment of all. Knowing that he would never again be in the house, our bed, or my arms.

In case some of you out there don't know, Gregg died smack in the middle of AirVenture. Maybe he did that on purpose, knowing that so many people would be here during that time. I'm not sure.

So we planned to have the visitation and funeral across two days the next week so that all our extended family at EAA could attend. EAA planned a beautiful memorial in the Eagle Hangar on the last day of convention. It was very special.

There was a fly by of his airplane before the air show that day. Janet flew the plane and Gregg's sister was sitting in the front. It was touching and wonderful. It was at that moment that I knew I needed to learn how to fly that plane. And I will.

What amazes me still is that Gregg never once questioned why this happened to him, was never angry about it. He just fought with silent strength and a smile on his face. I am so lucky that I got to have Gregg in my life, even though God called him back sooner than we all wanted. If I had to do it all over again, I would.

Before Gregg died, he told me that he knew God had brought us here to Oshvegas for a reason. He was right. God may have taken him away from me, but he gave me the friends, actually the family, that I have here because he knew they would help me to survive this.

The pain is bittersweet. I know that I hurt now because I love him so deeply.

Cheers.
T

Passports and Passiveness

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 19:01:00 GMT

After much trepidation, my passport arrived this past Saturday. The whole process for ordering it is slightly ridiculous. I was told several different things by every person I spoke with at both USPS and the passport agency. Gotta love the government.

Anyway, now that it is here, Gregg and I are a go for our trip to Germany and Italy. We are both pretty excited. We leave on Saturday, June 23rd and return July 7th. We would like to spend a few days in Munich visiting friends and then see a few of King Ludwig's castles and Rothenburg, Wolfsburg (VW HQ's) and maybe Cologne or Berlin.

The we'll head off to Italy and see Rome, Venice and Naples.

We are also trying to get in to see a doctor while we are there in Germany, just to see what type of treatment options Germany may have.

We got some bad news on Friday that the chemo isn't working. They wouldn't give us another cycle of it. They also pretty much said there isn't much else out there to try. So rather than give up, like our Madison doc seems to be doing, we are heading off to Mayo again this week and researching options in Germany and Canada. We're not anywhere close to giving up. We won't let that doc take away our hope!

Gregg is still feeling rather well. He is still working full time. The tumors are growing rapidly in his tissue. We find new ones on a daily basis. We may have a few removed before we head on our trip that are giving him trouble.

Landscaping 101

Thu, 17 May 2007 17:47:00 GMT

Last weekend our friends once again came to our rescue. We are completely indebted to them.

Our poor yard was in need of some serious TLC and apparently all you need to fix that situtation is about a dozen friends, my mom, a tiller, a trencher, a dog, two yards of mulch,and a whole crapload of yard tools....and maybe some drinks along the way.

The result is nothing short of miraculous.

We now have our sump pump hose dug in so no ugly tubing is sitting in the front yard. All the lily of the valley has been tilled up and sprayed with weed killer (it choked out a huge portion of our front yard). I have a new flower bed around our apple tree and bushes with a little foot path and my gorgeous copper birdbath in it. Mom worked on the flower beds along the sides of the house and weeded/redid those. I have a small herb/vegetable garden right out the back door and a nice little rock garden area for the garbage can and the hose reel to sit on. They dug up several little trees and tore out a huge stump and the mis-shapen bush in front of the house.

I have some pics of the hard workers that I'll post now, but I'll have to get a few more of the finished product.

Here's Tam and Jeri weeding and generally fixing up my front flower bed.

Steve and Adam contemplating how to dig up one of the many annoying little trees on the side of our house.

Adam and Steve reign supreme over the tree!

Pat tills up my new flower bed!

This bloody bugger won't come out!

In comes Steve Taylor with the super manly tools!

Looks like an in depth discussion....

More helpers including Miss Geebers.

Thanks again guys. Our yard looks better than ever!

RoboCop, Borg and Jordie

Fri, 04 May 2007 17:19:00 GMT

These are all names that Gregg was told he looked like yesterday whilst wearing the halo. =)

We arrived at 6 AM and they immediately put in a IV. At about 8:30 AM the halo was attached and he was whisked away for the CT scan. The he got to eat some breakfast. Both of our Mom's arrived around noon. Then we basically sat around and waited for the procedure, the only thing is he had to still wear the halo, which makes it impossible to lay your head down or really get comfy. Poor guy.

At about 3:15 PM, they came and got him, hooked him in, and by 3:30 he was starting treatment and we were told it would take about 3 hours.

Around 5:00 PM, all of sudden they brought him out. The machine had over heated because someone forgot to clean a filter. Bet they called the IT Help Desk =) That took an hour to fix and then back in he went.

Finally around 8:15 PM we were told he was finished. They wheeled him out and removed the halo (which was almost worse than when they put it on because all his drugs had worn off). He was tired, but feeling pretty good. Just sore at the pin spots.

The nurse cleaned him up and we were given some after care instructions and sent on our way.

He wanted to sleep in his own bed last night so we started for home at about 9 PM.

I did have to pull over once because he got sick. Not sure if it was the radiation, nerves, drugs or all of the above. He was completely exhausted though.

Today he is feeling pretty good. His head is still sore of course and he's tired, but overall considering what he went through yesterday he's doing really great.

Jordie Look: This is the halo he wore all day. The pins go through his scalp up to his skull. They did put anesthetic into his scalp before cranking down, but he said that hurt pretty bad.

He was given Valium to take the edge off the anxiety of getting/wearing the halo, but he seemed to handle it quite well. He said that it felt like he was wearing his hat WAY too tight.

The halo is made completely of titanium and costs over 40K. They only own two and it is one size fits all.

Salon Look: This contraption that looks like a hairdryer at the salon was used to make sure that the halo hadn't moved at all. If it did, we would have had to come back another day and do this. The put a measuring stick down into those holes and made sure they were always at the same level.

Borg Look: This is the full contraption that he wore while he was in the CT machine. You have been assimilated!

The Cage

Wed, 02 May 2007 15:13:00 GMT

Tomorrow is a big day. Radiosurgery. At 6 am Gregg will report to the hospital so he can have "the cage" attached to his skull by the neuro surgeon. The cage is a bracket surrounding his head that will lock his skull into place in exactly the same position twice. Once for CT scan he'll have in the morning and then again for when he actually has the procedure. The cage has 4 pins that will go through the skin right up to his skull. Ouch!

The procedure is not actually surgery. It's non-invasive, as it is actually a very focused beam of radiation that will liquify the tumors. Yikes!

The procedure won't happen until 4 or 5 pm and will last about 2 hours, so the poor guy will have to wear the cage all day. =( After that, they send us home.

Amazing isn't it. The doctors liquify a part of his brain and he goes home to sleep in his own bed that night.

Tonight he will start his chemo, Temodar is the name of it. It is a pill form and supposebly the side effects aren't too horrible. Mostly nausea and vomitting that can be controlled by other drug therapies.

We'll let people know how he's doing as soon as we can.

A Little Extra Mayo Please

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 14:14:00 GMT

Last Friday we went to Madison to start the chemo. When we arrived however, the scans taken for Gregg's baseline showed 4 tumors in his brain. Three are in the right frontal lobe and one is in the Thalmus. So the chemo is on hold for short bit while we get this sorted out.

This coming Friday we go back for a Stealth MRI. The name sure makes it sound exciting. What it means is they'll put his head in traction take pictures of his brain millimeter by millimeter and create a 3-D image. They will then use this as a sort of map to precisely pinpoint where the tumors are and in the coming week or so he will have Radiosurgery. This is using a very precise beam of radiation to reach the cancer and reduce the damage to the good cells. He won't have his skull opened this time, which means less chance for infection and all that.

I just so happened to get us an appointment at Mayo Clinic for yesterday, which ended up being well timed with all this. I'm so very glad we went there.

That place is amazing. It sure doesn't seem like a hospital, more like a 4 star hotel. It is huge and beautiful and sunny. There is art everywhere and the people working there are wonderful. They are friendly, efficient and do everything with a smile. There are no typical waiting rooms. The chairs and sofas are big and comfy. No hospital smell there.

The entire town is built around serving the hospital, both staff and clients. The Mayo Clinic is comprised of 5 or 6 huge buildings, which are all connected by underground pathways called the "subway". As is many, many blocks of the city itself. We walked from our hotel to Mayo then through a mall to a Red Lobster for lunch and back all in the subway.

Anyway, back to the important stuff. What we got from Mayo couldn't have been any better. The doc told us that Madison is doing for us exactly what he would have done. He did say that he is concerned about the rate of growth in Gregg's tissue disease recently. He said that if we can keep the brain metastises under control for 3 months he has several clinical trials that we can choose from that he thinks are very promising. We both left there feeling really positive and looking towards the future.

Not So Bad After All

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 17:25:00 GMT

Last Friday we saw the oncologist in Madison. After reviewing all the scans and biopsy info he decided that it's now time for Chemotherapy. He quickly reviewed some of the options out there, but very definitively suggested that we go with one particular drug called Temodar.

This drug is an oral chemo in a pill form, which is great because Gregg is really not into needles. =) The side affects are really not that horrible: nausea, vomiting and maybe thinning of his hair. The n & v are usually easily controlled with other anti-nausea meds.

The really good thing about this drug is that it crosses the blood-brain barrier. This means it will treat both Gregg's body and his brain. While the drugs' precentage of life expectancy and/or tumor shrinkage isn't as high as some other available drugs, it will help protect his brain which nearly all the other options will not do.

We go back this Friday to talk again to the docs and get started on his chemo which he will do for one week on, three weeks off. We're not sure for how long he will do this chemo at this time.

I guess we both are feeling a lot better after having talked to the docs last week. They've given us some info we can get our minds around and it doesn't seem so bad after all.

Into Every Life a Little Rain Must Fall

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 18:06:00 GMT

Yesterday Gregg had three biopsies after his CT a couple weeks ago showed an enlarged lymph node in his armpit.. Two out of three were positive for melanoma and the third is suspicious. The biopsies were lymph nodes taken out of his armpit and his bicep. There is also another lump on top of his shoulder behind the clavicle. The surgeon chose to not take that one because there are several nerves there that run up the neck and into the shoulder/back area, but he surmises that it is also cancer.

I guess this puts us back to square one again.

We have no idea what is next, but assume we will be heading to Madison again very soon.

Sunday Funday

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 08:25:00 GMT

Most of you probably still know more about all this than Gregg and I do. Last Sunday, a group of our close friends/family/coworkers held a benefit for Gregg and I here in Oshvegas. It was an amazing thing. They spent an awful lot of time and energy for little old us. Check out the website here if you've not seen it yet.

Sunday Funday was a roaring success. We had 4 bands play, including a local favorite CopperBox. There were too many sponsors to count! There was a HUGE silent auction and so many raffle items they had to do two shifts. Some of the sports memorabilia that our brother in law Dan donated brought on bidding wars. =) We had several handmade quilts and afghans, including a gorgeous airplane quilt my aunt made. There were some one-of-a-kind items like a pre-EAA Museum bronze plate and even a 5 star fishing vacation in Canada.

We had family come from all over the country and friends too. Greggs sister and brother in law came all the way from Seattle with their 2 month old baby boy. My sis and her hubby surprised me and came from Virginia Beach. Gregg's childhood friend Chad came all the way from NYC without letting us know ahead. It was all pretty special.

Gregg and Adam were invited to play with CopperBox for a couple songs and had a great time. And somehow Adam got roped into dropping trou and showing off his ACDC underwear for $157 bucks we collected from the audience. HIlarious!

We are both still riding a high from the whole thing.

Thanks so much to all of you out there who were involved. The scope of the whole thing is astounding. We were, and still are, totally overwhelmed. I can't imagine that we will ever be able to thank you all enough or in a way that will make me feel like you understand how we feel. I tried to hug as many of you as I could on that day...but it was like our wedding day and I didn't get to say more than two words to so many of you.

Thank You!

Ok, so on to the really fun part, here is the slideshow of stills that our friend Jim took that day. Enjoy!

I'll try to add more pics as they come in. Here's one of Gregg after receiving his signed shirt. =)